“Fierce! Bold! I want you to look like you’re a royal” James was saying as he was flashing his camera in all different angles, “That’s it gorgeous! You got it, just one more…. And perfect.”

June exhaled and dropped her shoulders. She was sweating in her costume for the shoot and frankly relieved that he got the shot since her makeup was about to smudge down any minute now. James scanned through his shots and declared to everyone’s ease, “okay people we got the shots, you can wrap it up now.” With that Alaya pulled June aside and said, “June, we’re lucky they liked the shots today. James was probably in a good mood, but don’t think it went past me.”

Confused, June asked, “What is that supposed to mean?”

With accusation radiating out of Alaya's tone, “ don’t play dumb with me. You haven’t been following your diet. You don’t think clients aren’t going to realized when you’ve gained a few extra pounds. It’s precisely what they’re not paying the next plus-size model for. You need to get yourself together.”

Calm, June walked towards the changing room maintaining a forward vision that avoided Alaya. “I’ve been following my diet. I swear.”

Chasing behind Junes’ long strolls Alaya continued, “June, stop! I’m your manager; I’m saying this for your own good. Stop walking away when I’m talking to you! Your waist is at least an inch larger!”

“I didn’t eat it.” June sat down on her dressing table chair waving off the makeup artists, still avoiding eye contact.

“Sure. All I’m saying is remember Stella? I’m only trying to be a manager here.” Alaya stroked June’s hair. She realized June wasn’t going to engage in conversation anytime soon and she began to walk away, but before she closed the door behind her June said, “ Sometimes I wonder if that’s all you try to be Maa.”

And without a response, Alaya closed the door.

June soaked in the silence as she took off her makeup and her gown. She hung it up and stared at it on the rack. A beautiful deep green silk with fabric that floated upon her hips and synched in her frail, commercial waist. Seamless ties of fabric that covered her breasts ever so scarcely. She wondered which woman in their right mind would wear this. If her breasts are just big enough people ask the demeaning question of, “Are you trying to get sexually harassed?” and if the lady is more petite there’s the satirical question of “what are you even trying to flaunt?” How bizarre, she thought. But then she realized, she was looking at one of the world’s most beautiful dresses, dress women would dual for and girls would fantasize over, and June Asiana thought; ‘how bizarre’. She hooked her bra behind her and stepped out of her heels. Perched up close to the mirror June wondered if her mom was right, had she already gained a few pounds? She grabbed her jeans and dug inside the pocket for a wrapper, which she held softly to make sure her mother wouldn’t hear the crumpling noises from outside the dressing room. She knew she wasn’t meant to eat that, but that morning she was going to the grocery store when she saw a little girl grabbing onto her mother’s leg screaming at the top of her lungs. Of course, this drew some sort of attention. The little girl was howling and kicking with a red face, while her mother strolled casually past the aisles hobbling her young daughter with her. At the counter, they were standing in front of June. The little girl had something hidden in her dress pocket, which was soon noticed and snatched by her mother.

“Mommy, please! I want a chocolate bar! Please!”

Nonchalant, the mother gave the bar back to the cashier and proceeded to pay without it. It was then the mother realized she had left the keys back in a far aisle and placed the little girl next to the counter and wandered off. June proceeded to check out and decisively placed the choco bar along with her items. The little girl looked at June with envy, and June proceeded to scan the counters and opened her now choco bar.

“Hello, my name is June. What’s your name?” June bent down with the bar next to the little girl.

“ Ava.” She responded.

June opened the wrapper and gave the bar to Ava. Quickly Ava broke up half and gave the presumably larger half to June.

“here” Ava offered.

“I couldn’t. It’s yours.” June smiled.

“No, here Mommy tells me to share.” And with that Mommy returned giving Ava, who had quickly stuffed the bar in her pocket, a suspicious look. And with that Ava left the store with her mother. June was in her car, on the way to the shoot but she had the candy bar in her hand. She knew she couldn’t eat it, and just like that she could finally empathize with Ava. She wanted to eat it, but she knew she can’t. Her Maa had told her it would bloat her up very soon. Frustrated she felt the need to have the chocolate bar. She couldn’t recall the last time she had chocolate. Ever since 17, she was on a very strict diet and chocolate was a major bloater. It was okay, she didn’t even like chocolate, but she wanted to know. Why did Ava cry for this? Why was Ava in such agony to eat a prism of sugar and fat and chocolate? Giving in June nibbled on the side. A rush came over her. Sugar. That’s truly sugar. None of that ghastly sugar-free sugars. But sugar. She began eating little bites, which lead to an entire chomp. It had been a while since she ate an entire choco bar. They weren’t exactly the smallest.

Once the car stopped she saw the chocolate smeared on her fingers and she could taste it on her lips. Petrified she ran into the building to the first washroom and began washing away the evidence with soap. She let out a groan, frustrated with herself. How dare she break Maa’s diet? Maa is going to know. When June had her first boyfriend and he left her for Stella Anderson, Maa’s first words were,

‘‘Can you blame him? Stella has an adorable little waist and the most profound cheekbones. She must watch her diet.”

She looked at the bathroom stall contemplating a throw-up and soon ran the tap. She had to get this done quickly, but then she got a call and it was Maa. She said they were waiting for her at the shoot and if she didn’t arrive this instant, Maa would come down and bring her up. Helpless, June closed the tap and went on to her shoot, and now that it’s over she’s staring at the chocolate wrapper.  

Is there an irony in this? She wondered how strange it was that Ava cried to have her chocolate bar and so did she. Ava cried to have it because she thought she couldn’t eat it and June cried because she knew she ate it. She then wondered if Ava would ever grow up and fear eating something she once loved so much. She suddenly felt the urge to shut down every magazine cover and every television show that showed young skinny women striding across town or sitting in a bus with a wide smile on their face like they’re happy. Ava doesn’t need to think looking that way makes her happy. She doesn’t need to read interviews where skinny models like Stella explain how cutting sugar from their diet makes your body gorgeous. She doesn’t need to believe boys only like those girls who do these things. Ava doesn’t need to believe no boy will like her if she has a bit more of a hip in her step and a bit more hips. Ava doesn’t need to be afraid of ending up alone. Ava doesn’t need to be afraid of chocolate. But then…

Why was she so afraid of chocolate?

Hastily, June wears her jeans and t-shirt, grabs her designer bag, and rushes out of the building. She hears her mother faint screams in the back but it’s gone when she shuts the door of her cab. “22nd fall street, Trover Apartments please.”

The cab halts and she pays the old Indian man his fee. He tips his hat and carries along. On the 48th floor of the grand building, she rings the doorbell. A tall dark-haired man with deep blue eyes and a suit answers the door with a wide grin.

“June you came!” He says, “I was beginning to doubt you would.” He pulls the door wider for her to enter, but she just stands out there.

“Why are you doing this Ryan? Why are you with me?”

Ryan snarls, “Not this again. I have to deal with my wife questioning odd things, but now you also feel the need to?”

“ What’s wrong with her? I don’t get it. She’s gorgeous and she’s kind and she’s caring.” June begins, “What do I give you that she doesn’t.”

“Junie, Junie, Junie.” Ryan embraces June in a straddling embrace and says. “You’re glamorous, you’re elegant, you’re so youthful, full of life. She’s aged and tired and frankly dull. Why speak about her and ruin our evening?”

“ But Ryan…” June spoke hand in hand with the man she so inconveniently loved.

“ Yes Junie, tell me?” he said as he stroked the hair to the back of her ears.

“Do you love me?” she looked at him, and for the first time since they met Ryan looked at her in the eyes. Baffled.

“Love?” the words seemed ludicrous falling off his lips.

“Love.” Junes’ palms became sweaty and her lips trembled a bit. She hadn’t expected this.

Ryan let out a patronizing laugh and repeated, “love? Junie, this isn’t what this is. You’re beautiful. Do you know that? Don’t be silly.” He scoffed, “love.”

June felt her eyes sting and she bent her head to lean against his chest as if she was embracing him. Trying to keep her voice still she asked, “What does that mean?”

“You’re a model Junie, I’m a lawyer. You straddle your long legs around and your pretty face with your mind absolutely empty. After all what good would a clever mind do you? I love spending time with you Junie and I love how beautiful you are. But Junie, the type of woman I would fall in love with reads someone like George Eliot, she can keep up in a smart discussion, she can play chess without trying to dress up the queen. You’re beautiful Junie. You really are. But you know how it is.”

She felt her eyes burn and tears falling down but she didn’t pick her head up until she wiped her tears with his smug tie. She untangled herself from his embrace and smiled. “You’re right Ryan. I’m clearly not those things.”

“I hope this isn’t the end for us Junie. I do love you, it’s just not that way.”

June pressed the elevator button and leaned against the wall separated from Ryan. “ Only in the agony of parting do we look into the depths of love. But clearly, your love doesn’t carry the same depth your so-called intellect does.” And with that small quote from George Eliot June parted ways with her first true love. She on her way home she stopped at the grocery store to buy a new chocolate bar. She reached home to see her mother on the couch glaring at her. She began unwrapping her chocolate bar and sat next to Alaya.

Perplexed at this, her maa asked, “ What on earth are you doing?”

“ It’s not about my waist Maa, or my cheeks. I found that out today. And if I ever see Ava again, I’m going to tell her.”